Sometimes I get an email that tickles me so much, I feel like I need to share it with everybody.  Today’s column is an edited version of one such e-mail, plus a few pointers of my own.

Men, take note.  When women say these things, this is what we REALLY mean:

“Yes” sometimes means “Yes” but also could mean “No.” 

“No” sometimes means “No” but also could mean “Yes.”

“Maybe” also means “No”.

“I’m sorry” = “You’ll be sorry” 

“It’s your decision” = “You’ll be sorry, no matter which way you decide.”

“Sure, go ahead” = “You’ll be really sorry if you do.” 

“Do what you want” = “You’ll pay dearly for this later.” 

“I don’t care” = “You’re a fool if you think I don’t care.”

“We need” = “I want.” 

“Do you think this dress makes me look fat?” = “I want some new clothes.”

“I hate this kitchen floor” = “I want a new kitchen.” 

“I hate this kitchen” = “I want a new house.”

“We need to talk” = “I need to complain.” 

“You have to learn to communicate” = “Just agree with me.” 

“Are you listening to me?!” = “Don’t expect reason or logic from this point on.”

“Do you love me?” = “I’m getting ready to ask for something expensive.” 

“How much to you love me?” = “I did something really stupid today.” 

“I’m NOT upset” = “Of COURSE I’m upset, you moron.”

“Do you want to go shopping with me?” = “I’m going shopping and if you complain about it, I’ll make you go with me.” 

“I’ve had a bad day” = “Please help cook dinner.” 

“I’ve had a REALLY bad day” = “Please take me out to dinner.”

“I’ll be ready in a minute” = “It’ll be a while.” 

“Let’s go!  We’re late!” = “I’ve been ready for a good two minutes and for once I’m waiting on YOU.”

And last, but not least …

“I heard a noise” = “I noticed you were almost asleep.”