Diets are for the birds. 

Anytime you tell me I can’t eat something, you can bet that’s what I’ll be craving for the next hundred hours.  I don’t know who comes up with some of these idiotic diets, but they must be off-balanced-non-working-non-mothers.  Who else could sit there (starving) and watch children eat graham crackers or Cheerios or Oreos or WHATEVER and not jump across the table and snatch them from their cute little hands?

I have come up with “The Mother’s Diet.”  It’s great because there’s no guilt AND no waste.  Here are some of the rules (others are still being developed):

• Be very wary of people who say they like fat-free food.  They will also tell you they don’t mind root canals.

• If you eat only half a brownie now and the other half later, you only have to count the calories for the first half.

• Anytime you order water or a diet drink with your hamburger, you can call it a dietetic meal.

• If you’re full at dinnertime because you’ve sampled the meal all during the cooking process, and you end up not making yourself a plate, you get to subtract calories from your daily total.

• If you eat a fat-free sawdust-flavored cracker but have to put cheese on it to be able to swallow it, the calories for the cheese don’t count.

• If you eat while you’re standing up, the calories don’t count.

• If you eat the leftovers off your child’s plate, it counts for negative calories.  It was never on your plate in the first place, and you are also saving the planet at the same time!

You are welcome.