Is That A.M. or P.M.? (10.11.1998)

Old people are so cute. How old is old? I guess that’s the first thing I have to clarify, since if you ask my kids, I’m really old.

Old is anyone who is twice my age. When I was 15, someone who was 30 was “married with children” and was way old. When I was 30, well, my near-60-year-old mom was pretty dem old. Now 60 is looking pretty good, but 88 is old. Ask my mom, though, and she’ll tell you that old is someone who is still alive at 120 years.

Anyway, when people start getting on in years, things start changing and you can either laugh or cry about it. I choose to try to find the humor in everything, because I know that I, too, will be there someday and I hope my children will not let it get them down. They already laugh about my terrible memory. I think old people are cute!

First their hearing goes. When I was younger, my ancient aunt and uncle came to visit one day. My little sister asked, “If you’re so old, how come you’re not dead?” My uncle, luckily, couldn’t hear and replied, “I like your dress, too.” She said, “Why can’t you hear me?!” “And I love you, too, sweetie,” he answered.

Next, their speed falls by the wayside. My grandmother was about five feet tall, and about that wide as well. She never did walk very fast, but as she got older, her steps got closer and closer together, until she sort of shuffled everywhere she went. My mom always said, “If her steps get any smaller, she’ll be going backwards!”

Somewhere along the way, the memory goes. As I mentioned, mine is already going, but I can’t even blame it on Alzheimer’s yet! We had an elderly grandfather who I guess had Alzheimer’s, and he kept us in stitches. He would read the newspaper upside down, put on pajamas over his clothes, and eat ice cream for dinner. One day he came out of his room and asked, “What time is it?”

“Seven o’clock,” we said.

“Is that A.M. or P.M.?” he wondered. “P.M.”, we answered.

He thought about that for a couple of minutes. Finally he said, “What am I supposed to be doing right now?!”

I’m not 88, but I know just how he feels.