We are a Charmin family.  You know, the toilet paper Charmin.

I was visiting with my aunt recently and somehow we got to talking about toilet paper brands and she swore by her Northern Quilted. 

People are very defensive about their toilet paper.  Not only about the brand, but also about which way to hang it (I’ll get to that in a minute). 

My aunt proceeded to do the hard-sell on me and pretty much told me I was an idiot for never trying her brand.  I told her the same about my Charmin.  Neither of us were about to back down.

If we were talking about anything other than toilet paper, you might think it was some sort of family tradition, and we were defending the family’s honor or something. 

You also probably think I was raised with Charmin to be so adamant about it.

In this case, the opposite is true.  I was raised on “Cheaper By The Mile” toilet paper, and as a kid watched wistfully as Mr. Whipple squeezed his Charmin, and longed for such luxury.  But my mom continued to bring home the same huge packages of non-colored, non-scented, non-everything rolls.  I felt so deprived.

So when I came of age and bought my first package, it was Charmin. 

I hung the roll on the spool with care,

In hopes that my family would soon notice it there.

The end of it came over the top like a waterfall,

Cascading down, showing its design to all.

Yes, that’s right!!! The end comes OVER THE TOP.  All of us over-the-toppers believe with all our hearts that all of you who have it coming out from underneath are just plain wrong.  This goes for paper towels, too.

I know, I know, all you underneathers out there are gonna be e-mailing me with all the reasons why you think “underneath” is right.  Don’t even start.  You may have been able to make a case before they started printing designs on the tissue.  Suddenly, you underneathers had no designs showing on your tails.

But as long as the designs were generic flowers and stuff that looked the same upside down as right side up, you could still make an argument, albeit a weak one.  But, AHA!  Now some of the designs have ups and downs!  I bought some paper towels recently that had cute little old women printed on them.  If you hang them tail-over, you can actually see the women and read what they’re saying.  Tail-under, they’re just colorful rags.

I got out my newest package of Charmin to see if they perhaps printed instructions for hanging it.  I mean, I’m willing to admit I’m wrong if you can show me where they say I’m wrong.  They give you directions for everything else, so why not toilet paper?

But, alas, there were no instructions.  They have left this great decision up to the individual who hangs the tissue.

Which, in my family, means me.  After all these years, nobody knows how to remove a used roll and replace it with a new one except me.

It will be rewarding to see my children grow up, buy their own toilet paper, learn the intricacies of opening the package, and then hang it all by themselves. 

It will be interesting to see if I have any closet Northerners, or worse (GASP!), closet underneathers. 

I couldn’t bear the shame.