My son just got the cast off his broken arm after nine long weeks.

Nine weeks is plenty of time to come up with a significant list of stuff you can’t do with a cast on.  Of course, up until the time he broke it, he was keeping a long list of reasons why it would be GOOD to break his arm.  Stuff like not having to mow the lawn and getting out of class early headed the list.

My, how that tune changed.  Oh, he still enjoyed not having to do chores, but as time went by, he because more and more eager to get the dern thing off.  For any of you have ever had a broken arm … you know what I mean.

Here’s my list of the top ten things you can’t do when you have a broken arm.  Unfortunately, I have lots of personal experience with broken arms, so I added some of my things to the list.

10.  Taking a shower without a plastic bag and rubber band around your arm.  The rubber band, of course, is cutting off your circulation so that when you’re finished with the shower, you can’t even feel your fingers.

9.  Washing the hair on one side of your head.  For females, this also is true for blow drying and curling the ‘do.  For two months, one side of you looks really good; the other looks really bad.

8.  Changing earrings.  You think I’m joking, but just pretend you have a cast with your arm bent at 90 degrees and try it.  And it doesn’t work to have someone else do it for you … they jab and poke and just can’t get it going in the right direction.

7.  Drive a stick-shift car.  I know this because I had one.

6.  Snap your fingers.  This may seem like a small thing, but you’d be amazed how much you miss it.

5.  Play sports.  Baseball, football, basketball.  They’re all out.  Throw in waterskiing, swimming, and waverunning, and well, you’ve got a pretty lousy summer.

4.  Pick your nose.  Okay, I know this is gross, but let’s be honest here.  Everybody picks their nose, only we (a) don’t admit it, and (b) do it only when we KNOW nobody is looking.  So, assuming you agree with me here, go to your closet or somewhere else equally dark and just try to pick your left nostril with your right index finger.  It works okay, but it’s just not a streamlined and satisfying as the left finger, right?

3.  Type.  This didn’t used to be as important as it is today, but with the advent of computers and all, my son was about to die.  I had to type all his research papers and stuff.  I felt like I was doing everything except going to class.

2.  Scratch.  First, there’s the fact that the minute they put a cast on an arm, all you want to do is scratch that arm.  Add to that all those little spots on your back that one hand just won’t reach, and you’ve got a recipe for slow torture.

And the number one thing you can’t do when you have a broken arm is:

1.  Zip your pants.  It takes two hands … one to hold the bottom of the zipper and one to pull the zipper up. 

And to have to ask your mom for help?  Pure agony.