It arrived in the mail early this week. It has immeasurably affected each member of my family. It is the Victoria’s Secret Swimsuit Catalog.
The lady on the cover is dressed in this thing that looks like something out of Xena, the Warrior Princess. I know it probably took thirty minutes and five people to figure out how to get all the straps on. Men everywhere are buying this creation for their girlfriends.
The next page has a girl with very little on. If you get out the magnifying glass, you see she has on a thong bikini. It costs $250. I figure that’s about $25 per square inch. For that much money, the guys in the family were sort of hoping she came with the suit. They stare wistfully at this page. They say they are looking at the scenery … where else will they get to see the beaches of the Virgin Islands? Yeah, and I bet they are reading the articles, too.
My daughters flip through each page, wondering what kind of raw deal they have been dealt. I mean, they have legs that only reach their hips and these women have thighs up to their armpits. Life’s just not fair.
Of course, the cameraman is very kind to these models. If I could lay very still – on a rock – on a beach – in Acapulco – on my back – so my belly looks deceivingly flat – my rear end hidden from view – my head thrown back in ecstasy – no kids around, well, maybe things would look pretty good on me, too. I admit a pair of those long legs would help immensely. I’m still wondering how these women walk in sand with high heels (see page 17).
Speaking of rear ends hidden from view … that brings up my major complaint about swimsuit catalogs in general. They always show you how it looks from the front.
Hey, I don’t know about you, but before I buy a swimsuit, I’ve gotta know if it’s gonna cover the derriere. Show me the back. And will it stay there? Show me the back after she’s bent over to pick up a bucket and shovel.
My daughter was shopping recently for a suit and was gasping for air as she flipped through dozens of very tiny things. A saleslady saw her pale face and asked if something was wrong. “These swimsuits aren’t made for real bodies!” she exclaimed. The woman looked at her with understanding eyes and took her back to the “other” suits. These were for real people. The ones up front were for show.
I’d love to wear these skimpy things and look great in them, but it just doesn’t work that way. I lift, tuck, and place the derriere fabric just so, and hey, they look okay when I first put them on, as long as I suck in, stand perfectly still, and don’t breathe .
But take just one step and I’m hanging out all over again. Bend over to adjust a chair or pick up a child, and well, it’s not a pretty sight. My kids call it the “Indian” effect because they “creep up the rear.” I learned recently that beauty pageant girls GLUE their swimsuits in place! No wonder!!!
The answer, some ponder, is that everyone should wear thongs and then everybody and everything would always be hanging out. No more constant worries about what’s showing because everyone has something showing.
Your kids would leave you totally alone because they’d be embarrassed to be seen even in the same vicinity as you. Lay on that rock and throw your head back with abandon!
I tried on one such thong, took one look in the mirror, and didn’t know whether to laugh or cry. I figured I’d go broke buying Pepto Bismol to pass out at the beach. Just picture it … “Here you go, sir, some stomach medicine. I’m getting ready to take off my cover-up now.”
I wonder if I could find out what kind of glue that was …
