A friend of mine is pregnant. I went and visited her last week, and all sorts of wonderful memories came flooding back.

When she had to excuse herself, oh, every eight minutes, I remembered, oh yes, I remembered. I had been led to believe back then that it was the baby pressing on my bladder or something. But now I know the real truth about “the button”.

When you first suspect you’re pregnant, the doctor says you need to come in to see him right away. What he really wants is to install “the button”. He’ll never tell you about “the button”, but it’s there and what’s worse, he gives the remote control to the baby.  If Little One feels you getting even slightly comfortable, he’ll zap you in nothing flat. Then I’m sure he throws his head back in sheer delight as he feels Momma jump up.

Late in the pregnancy, after months of practice, the baby becomes a real sharpshooter. He can make you roll over, jump up, sit down, go to the bathroom, and sneeze uncontrollably (not necessarily in that order), all because of “the button”. Those babies with extra talent can even make you cry or give you indigestion.

What Junior is really doing is getting you ready for … “Phase II: Baby Learns More About Pushing Mommy’s Button”. This is the other part they’ll never tell you about:

When you’re on the delivery table, they somehow modify “the button”. Now it is activated simply by Mommy doing something for herself. Momma sits down to eat, baby cries. Momma changes the sheets, baby leaks on them five minutes later. Momma washes her hair, baby slings applesauce in it. Momma lays down, baby is hungry.

Momma takes a shower, baby poops. Momma puts on a new dress, baby throws up on it. Momma buys new lipstick, baby eats it. There is no limit to the power of “the button”.

You husband comes home from work, looks at the havoc wreaked in every room, and says, “What have you done all day?”

Same button.