Our house is on the market right now. For all of you who have ever sold a house, you can sympathize with me. And if you had children like we do, as you think about when you tried to sell your house, your hands probably get sort of clammy and you begin to feel light-headed.
You know what I mean … the dreaded “phone call”. The realtor calls to say, “We’d like to show your house.” You’d think that the more time they give you, the easier it would be, but it’s just the opposite. The more time you have, the more stuff you feel like you oughta do.
If she says “We’d like to show your house in two weeks,” omigosh, brace yourself for the worst two weeks of your life. You will find yourself doing all the stuff you’ve been meaning to do all year:
- Paint the walls.
- Vacuum the drapes.
- Clean out the junk drawer in the kitchen.
- Shampoo the carpets.
- Get rid of the knick-knacks.
- Clean out the closets.
- Plant some new flowers out front.
- Clean out the garage.
- Sell the kids, because they won’t ever be allowed into the house again.
If she says “We’d like to show your house in two days,” you:
- Scrub down the bathrooms. Threaten the kids with their lives if they mess it up.
- Wash every dirty thing in the house, fold it neatly, and put it away. The kids are not allowed to produce dirty clothes for two days.
- Hang (clean) fluffy towels in the bathrooms. Again, the kids should know they will die if they touch these towels.
- Clean the kitchen ‘til it sparkles. The kids are not allowed to eat for two days.
- Add potpourri to the vacuum before you vacuum the carpets.
- Dust all the furniture and the million knick-knacks.
- Straighten the shoes in the closets.
- Mow the lawn.
- Sweep the porches.
- Arrange for the kids to be at friends’ houses.
If she says “We’d like to show your house in two hours,” you:
- Clean the toilets. Maybe even the bathtubs.
- Fold the laundry and put it away.
- Empty the dishwasher first, then reload it.
- Quickly run the vacuum so you’ll have those nice little tracks running across the carpet.
- Dust the most visible of the furniture.
- Offer to take the kids out to lunch.
And if she (egads!) says “We’d like to show your house in 20 minutes,” you:
- Pretend on the phone that it’s no problem, then as soon as you hang up, you start screaming, “HELP!!!!!”
- Flush the toilets.
- Sweep all clutter from counters and tabletops into a box and hide it.
- Throw the dirty laundry into the trunk of the car. This includes the many piles from the floors of the kids’ bedrooms, even if it might be clean.
- Throw the dirty dishes into the dishwasher, even if it already contains clean ones.
- And of course: Throw the kids out the back door, even if they aren’t yours.
