Skunks Everywhere (02.25.1999)

This was a particularly bad week for skunks.  I commute about 30 miles every day, and this week there were dead skunks everywhere.  What in the heck is going on in the skunk community?

I pondered this very question, and these are the answers I came up with:

Maybe they were REALLY thirsty and all the daddy skunks went in search of the Great Oasis that their Grandpas had told them about.  Too bad the Great Oasis turned out to be rain puddles in the middle of the road.

Soon all the baby skunks will think that their ancestors died in search of the Great Oasis and can’t wait until they’re old enough to go on adventures like their Grandpas did. Mommy skunks everywhere are worried sick.

OR…

They were all marrying age and there were not enough women to go around, so they ran away in search of a bride.  My guess is there are no bachelor skunks … they either find a wife or die trying to find one.

OR…

Maybe the pack had a huge fight and a bunch of them left en masse to start their own spinoff skunk pack.  They were attracted to the “big lights” of the city.  Only the “big lights” were going about 70 m.p.h.  Guess that didn’t work out.

OR…

Or maybe they were at a party and their hosts sent them out on a scavenger hunt. Sounded like f un.  “Go find a purple flower,” they were told.  The party was on the east side of the highway and all the purple flowers were on the west side.  Oops.  Not so fun after all.

OR…

I think I have it!  The skunks were disenchanted with their leader.  He had become involved with one of his interns and had lied to his followers about it.  A new skunk named Jim Jones came along and talked a bunch of them into the fact that he was the God Skunk or something like that.  They loved him and would do anything he said.

Eventually he was convinced that the B.O.S.S. (the Bureau of Skunk Stuff) was trying to ruin him, so he talked his followers into committing suicide.  At the stroke of midnight on Tuesday, he gave a signal (probably a stinky one), and they all ran into the highway at once.  It took weeks for the skunk police to piece together the whole gruesome story.

Really, I don’t know what’s going on.  Last fall there was a bad week for possums.  Then I noticed that the raccoons had about three weeks where they lost a lot of loved ones.  In any case, I’m glad I’m not a skunk this week.

About Sarah Higgins

Sarah wrote the column "Life's Funny!" for the Bay City Tribune (Bay City, Texas) from 1998 to 2003. The columns, primarily based on her hectic household full of four children, pets, and constant crises, are posted on this site. In 2014, she was diagnosed with a rare type of cancer, adenoid cystic carcinoma (ACC), in her sinus cavity. ACC is a wicked type of cancer with poor survivability rates. She underwent the resection of the tumor, part of her eye socket, her cheek bone, facial tissue, and half her nose, followed by 6 weeks of grueling radiation and 15 reconstructive surgeries. In 2021, her surgeon told her, "Well, I think you've beat this thing!" Posts about the early surgeries are also posted on this site by Sarah's son, Donnie. Today, she lives in her Montana log home just north of Yellowstone National Park with her dog, Charlie.