There is nothing more venomous than a mom taking her children to school in the morning or waiting in the pick-up line after school. 

Those of us who have risen through the ranks of pick-up moms (PUMS) have little tolerance for rookies, visitors, or stupidity.  We paid our dues when we, too, were new at this treacherous activity, and fielded dirty looks and honking horns until we got it right.

Now that I am a seasoned veteran, I feel qualified to pass along the do’s and dont’s to those of you who are still befuddled by the unwritten rules.

First of all, always be mindful of merging with the flow.  There is one street in particular that every high school student in town is traveling down at 7:45 in the morning.  You must not be timid if you ever expect to enter the flow … high schoolers are not known for their gracious road manners.  Contrary to local myths, you will NOT be invited to pull in front of anyone at this hour.  And for heaven’s sake, don’t even THINK of trying to CROSS this street! 

The opposite lane is carrying every working person from a large neighborhood to his or her job at the same time.  You have approximately fifteen seconds.  All the PUMS behind you will be tapping their feet patiently.  After this time, an unheard alarm goes off and we all emerge from our vehicles with frying pans in hand.  If you look in your rear-view mirror and see a bunch of savage women descending upon you, now you know why! 

We don’t care if you have to go ten miles out of your way in order to get where your going … just turn right and do it quickly.  PUMS have very little compassion in the mornings.  You have been forewarned.

When letting your children out in the morning, the goodbyes should take a maximum of five seconds.  Any more than that and you will start getting the dirty looks.  Better yet, don’t even stop rolling … just sort of toss them out as you pass by.  You can always put band-aids on later.

Next, when a sign says “No Parking – Pick Up Lanes Only,” it doesn’t mean everybody except you, even though you may be a really special person. There is nothing more frustrating to us PUMS than to be waiting in a line and discover that five cars up, there is no driver in the vehicle.  And because there is no cutting in lines (see last two paragraphs), we are doomed to be stuck for an eternity.  You shouldn’t be surprised if you come out and find that the PUMS have picked up your car and thrown it into the dumpster.

Also, please note that all the cars in the pick-up line are pointing in the same direction.  Last week I was waiting in line and a woman coming from the other direction pulled across the traffic and came to rest with the nose of her car nearly touching another.  There was nearly a riot.  Once again, we don’t care if you have to go ten miles out of your way in order to get your car pointing in the right direction … just do it.  PUMS have very little compassion in the afternoons, too.

And last, but not least, don’t ever, ever, ever cut in line.  Some veteran moms get in line fifteen minutes early, just so they won’t get caught up in the mess behind them, you know, with the rookies and all.  They are extremely territorial about their places in line.  If you cut in front of one of these women …

Well, what can I say?  You’re on your own.  You’ve been warned.  And there’s nothing anyone can do to help you.