They have descended upon us in hordes.
Who? The mighty mosquitoes, that’s who. After the last big rainstorm we had, I think every mosquito in the world came to our city to breed and multiply. And did a mighty fine job of it, I must say.
Something you should know, though: mosquitoes are like people … they come in all sizes, shapes, and temperaments. I have found six basic personality types of mosquitoes:
- The SBDM (Silent But Deadly Mosquito). These guys lay low. They hover under tables and chairs, or on the floor of your car. You never see or hear them, but they manage to suck three juicy meals a day out of your ankles and feet and never get caught. And there’s nothing worse than a mosquito bite on your foot, especially on the bottom. Pure torture.
- The TMNM (Teenage Mutant Ninja Mosquito). These monsters are freaks of nature. They’re so big, we are sure they must have bred on the runoff of nuclear waste or something and mutated into these Amazonian things. Sometimes you swat at them and they still don’t die. When they bite you, it HURTS, because their needle nose thing is the size of a toothpick.
- The BTYSM (Buzz ‘til You Scream Mosquito). These little gems wait until the lights go out. You may go around your bedroom before retiring just to make sure there aren’t any renegade mosquitoes around, but you’ll never find these guys. They are well trained in commando tactics. Ten minutes after it gets dark, they come out and start buzzing around your face. You swat madly at the air, hoping beyond hope you will somehow hit your target or scare them off. It never happens. Three minutes later the BTYSM is back, taunting you with his buzzzzzzzzzz. You have several choices, none of which are good.
You can (a) get up and try to find him (you won’t), (b) move to another room (he’ll follow you), (c) go to sleep anyway and hope the welts don’t look like pimples the next day (they will), (d) hide under the covers and hope he moves to your spouse (he won’t), or (e) scream and hope the sound waves burst his eardrums and he bleeds internally from the damage (good luck).
- The Salesman. I call this pest the “Salesman” because he’s always looking for an opening. In this case, it’s a mouth, nostril, or even an eye. The worst is when you suck in a big breath and in comes the Salesman. No matter how hard you try to spit out a mosquito, one of his legs always seems to stay behind.
- The Nazis. They’re called Nazis because they come at you by the hundreds, and no matter how many you kill, there are hundreds more waiting their turn. If any of you were at field level at the football game week before last, you encountered thousands of said Nazis. You can swat, swish, wave, blow, wiggle, or run in place … it won’t matter. They are fearless. And ruthless.
- The Kamikazes. These guys dive in for the kill, even if you’re wearing insect repellent. Even if you’re wearing clothes. And even if it’s raining. The Kamikazes will risk their very lives to get a taste of you.
Now, you must keep in mind that a Kamikaze can also be a Nazi, and a TMNM can be a Kamikaze. If the BTYSM gets frustrated because you’re hiding under your covers, he can disguise himself as a SBDM and in the blink of an eye will attack the foot you have dangling out of the covers. The SBDM can go for other parts of your body besides the ankles and feet … a neck is always game for them. A Salesman who gets stuck between your eyes and eyeglasses may get upset and become a Kamikaze, and a Nazi can also be a Salesman if he so chooses.
My husband and I have started walking around the house every night with towels and flyswatters, just trying to neutralize as many of the buggers as we can.
But until winter comes, and with it a much-needed break from these bloodsuckers, we are at their mercy. God help us.
