I received this via email a long time ago and every time I read it, I still laugh, so I decided to share it with my readers. It’s called “Mom’s Dictionary”. Here it is along with some of my comments:
DUMBWAITER – One who asks if the kids would care to order dessert. They are always “too full” to finish that seven-dollar hamburger, but give ‘em a dessert menu and they magically find room again.
FEEDBACK – The inevitable result when your baby doesn’t appreciate the strained carrots. My son once told me that if I made him eat those asparagus, he thought he’d throw up. And he did.
WEEKEND: When Dad gets to play golf or go fishing while Mom catches up on the laundry, cleans the house and runs errands.
FULL NAME – What you call your child when you’re mad at him. Oooh, I can still hear my mom’s voice when she found that potato stuck in the toilet. I was little so can’t remember what my brother was trying to do, but haven’t forgotten him getting in trouble, no sirree!
GRANDPARENTS – The people who think your children are wonderful even though they’re sure you’re not raising them right. Just ask my mom.
TWO MINUTE WARNING – When the baby’s face turns red and she beings to make those familiar grunting noises.
BLOWOUT – When you missed the two-minute warning.
HEARSAY – What toddlers do when anyone mutters a dirty word. I’ll never forget when my little sister went to school and told her class about the d*%# raccoon we had at home. (My mom didn’t like him much.)
WHODUNIT: None of the kids that live at your house.
VERBAL: Able to whine in words. Why is it that we can’t wait for them to start talking, but once they do, we can’t get them to quit?
IMPREGNABLE – A woman whose memory of labor is still vivid. (See “amnesia” below for more information on this subject.)
AMNESIA – Condition that enables a woman who has gone through labor to allow her husband to touch her again.
STERILIZE – What you do to your first baby’s pacifier by boiling it and to your last baby’s pacifier by blowing on it.
INDEPENDENT – How we want our children to be, as long as they do everything we say. Just ask my mother-in-law.
SHOW OFF – A child who is more talented than yours. I can give you a list.
FAMILY PLANNING – The art of spacing your children the proper distance apart to keep you on the edge of financial disaster. Just ask me … we have three in college, and one that just graduated last week.
OW – The first word spoken by children with older siblings. Followed shortly by “Mine!”
PUDDLE – A small body of water that draws other small bodies wearing dry shoes into it. If it’s a boy, you can add the word “mud” and it becomes …
MUD PUDDLE – A body of filth that draws young boys wearing clean clothes into it.
And my favorite:
TOP BUNK – Where you should never put a child wearing Superman pajamas.
