I remember a time when I was really looking forward to having a baby. In the magazines and on television, babies are always cute, good-natured little things. When they make messes on TV, it’s funny. When they throw up, it’s funny. We all go to “Preparation for Childbirth” classes and learn all the things to do and expect up to “the date”, but they don’t tell much about “afterwards”.  They don’t tell you that you will not get enough sleep for ages, and without sleep, nothing seems funny.

Let me tell you more about some of the things “afterwards” they don’t tell you about:

• You will not lose the 50 pounds you put on during pregnancy while you are in the hospital.  Why did I assume this?  They don’t tell you that after the blessed event you’ll continue to wear the if-I-have-to-wear-these-another-day-I’m­gonna-puke maternity clothes.  I eagerly stepped on the scale the day after giving birth and was devastated to see I had lost less than the baby weighed!  What?! 
• When you lay on your side, your stretched-out stomach skin comes and lays down beside you.  It’s pretty gross.
• You will not get 8 hours of sleep in a row for a very, very long time.  I had gotten so big by the end of my pregnancy, it was difficult to even breathe, much less get good sleep (I had very big babies).  I was sure I would get more sleep after the baby arrived. And I was so looking forward to sleeping on my stomach again.  Delusional, at best.
• When your milk first comes in,  certain body parts resemble bags of rocks.  It’s painful and there’s no way you can lay on your stomach.
• The first diaper change is like cleaning tar off your car, only it smells worse.
• It’s a miracle if the baby sleeps long enough for you to take a shower. 
• It’s hard to get dressed by noon.
• Simple things, like going to the grocery store, will become events you must plan for days in advance. You have to pack enough supplies for a month, even though you’ll be away from home for only thirty minutes. If you don’t plan for every bad thing that might happen, the one thing you didn’t plan for will happen. If you don’t pack an extra outfit, for example, the baby will have diarrhea just before entering the store.  If you don’t pack two outfits, he will throw up just after you have changed him/her.
• You will become an agile, multi-talented being. You will learn to hold a baby in one arm, push a grocery cart with the other, and select groceries with your lips, all the while bouncing to keep the baby happy.
• You will automatically start bouncing things after you’ve had a baby. How many of you have caught yourselves bouncing a stuffed animal or a bag of charcoal? 
• You will begin rocking anything that moves.  You’ll find yourself pushing a grocery cart to and fro, to and fro, even when there isn’t a baby in the cart.

No, they don’t tell you lots of stuff, but we don’t seem to remember how bad things are because we keep on having babies.

I’ll never forget when my first child was 10 months old. I had him in one arm, the 50-lb diaper bag hanging off the other arm, circles under my eyes and my blouse untucked halfway around.  And yes, I was bouncing and rocking.  I looked at the receptionist who had just gotten my pregnancy results back.  She looked at me, then down at the paper.

She took a big breath, looked back up at me, and with pity in her voice and look of concern on her face said, “It’s positive.”

I walked out of the office with a big smile on my face, bouncing.