My son walked into the kitchen the other day and commented, “Too bad they have to say all that stuff.”
(Note: Kids assume parents know what they are talking about at all times. Of course, I had no clue what he was referring to.)
“Who has to say what?” I was forced to ask.
“Well, there was this cool commercial about this new medicine that cures something, but then at the end this man’s voice comes on talking really fast and he says it can cause all these bad side effects … I mean, after you hear all that bad stuff, why would you ever want to buy it?”
Have you noticed it’s gotten to where the disclaimers are longer than the commercials? No kidding.
I was listening the radio the other day and they were announcing some neat new contest. The announcement itself was about fifteen seconds. The disclaimer took about thirty. And of course, the guy is talking so fast, you can’t understand a thing he’s saying anyway.
And some are downright ridiculous. I read some disclaimers and know that it’s bound to be there as a result of some lawsuit. The fact that lawsuits are rampant in our country affects almost every product we use in our lives now.
On the leaflet that came with a power saw was this warning: “Placing fingers in front of rotating blade could result in injury.”
You know, I really didn’t need someone to tell me that. Yes, I figured that one out all by myself. But no doubt someone, somewhere, got their fingers cut off and sued the manufacturer and contended, “But you didn’t warn me it would cut off my fingers.”
On a bottle of peach flavored hand lotion is this: “Not for consumption.”
Now let’s think about that one. Let’s say someone picks up this bottle of lotion and smells it and thinks, “Yummy, this smells good. I wonder if it’s food.” We have to assume this person has not, or cannot, read the label where it clearly says “hand lotion”. So why on earth would anyone assume this person will read, or can read, the warning?
This is on a bottle of room deodorizer: “Use only as intended. Avoid accidents.”
Well, okay, then. I’m sure glad someone finally cleared that up for me. That pretty much covers the bases, don’t you think?
Now if someone shows up in court and says, “I accidentally spilled it and it burned a hole in my leg,” they can say, “Hold it right there, missy. We clearly stated on the bottle, ‘Avoid accidents’.”
Other warnings I love:
On a box of staples: “Caution: Staples have sharp points.”
On a permanent marker: “Caution: Permanent on most surfaces.”
On a box of shotgun shells: “Be careful when eating game. Shot may cause tooth damage.”
And my favorite is this one on a bottle of “Washable Kid’s Paint”:
“KEEP AWAY from wallpaper, painted walls, finished and unfinished wood, vinyl, and carpeting.”
In other words, don’t let kids use it. It must be for adults only. The next time you have a really nice dinner party, you can impress your guests when you break out all four colors of Kid’s Paint. Watch as your guests ooh and aah over your impeccable taste.
But whatever you do, don’t buy it for your children.
