Question #1: How can you tell if a certain vehicle belongs to a male or female?
Question #2: How can you tell if a certain vehicle belongs to a teenager or a parent?
The answer to Question #1 is pretty easy. First, approach the car. If you need a stepladder just to get into it, it’s a guy’s. If it’s barely five inches off the ground, it’s also a guy’s. If it has four-wheel drive, it’s probably a guy’s. If it has four-wheel drive and mud all over it, it means it’s a guy’s and he’s been muddin’.
If it’s pink, it’s a girl’s. If it’s yellow, it’s probably a girl’s, unless of course it’s five inches off the ground, in which case, please refer to the previous paragraph.
If there are scrunchies twisted around the gearshift, it’s a girl’s. If the gearshift knob has been replaced with something else, like a fake eyeball, it’s a guy’s.
If the vehicle in question doesn’t fit into any of the aforementioned categories, get into the car and listen to the radio. If it’s REALLY loud, and the base is turned up so much that the buildings next to you shake, it’s a guy’s.
It must be genetic … if a male is in a car, the radio must be on. If the radio is on, it must be loud. To be considered loud, it should make windows rattle.
If the radio is on a love song station, though, it’s a female’s car. We love the love songs. My son groans when a really great love song comes on and I won’t let him change it. So, I start singing really loud and watch him die a slow death.
Question #2 takes a little more finesse. How can you tell if it belongs to a parent or a teenager? While in the car, glance around. Are there Cheerios stuck in between the cushions? Are there sticky spots that look vaguely like old apple juice? Are there sippy cups on the seat? This would be a parent’s vehicle.
Are there dirty clothes in the back seat? Are there Mardi Gras beads hanging from the mirror? Are there CDs in plain sight? This would be a teenager’s car. Because a parent would never leave a CD out where little sticky fingerprints would get all over it. We tend to wash dirty clothes, and we haven’t had time to go to Mardi Gras in years.
Is there trash on the floor? If so, examine it closely. Is it a wrapper from a Happy Meal or a Route 44 from Sonic? Teenagers live on Route 44’s.
Last, but not least, what radio station is on? If it’s Lawrence Welk kind of music, you can rule out the entire teenage generation. If it’s rap, it’s probably a teen’s. But if it’s rock ‘n roll, it’s pretty tricky.
You see, a lot of baby boomers secretly listen to rock when nobody else is in the car. And they turn the volume up. Loud. “Why?” you might be wondering.
Because they’re deaf now, that why. They have to turn up the volume now just to hear it.
If the car has loud rock ‘n roll on the radio, you’ll have to do some more sleuthing. Look in the glove compartment. In a teenager’s car, you’ll find gum, phone numbers for friends, and a checkbook with an $8.00 balance.
In the parent’s car, you’ll find Rolaids (especially if they have teenagers), phone numbers for a lawyer (especially if they have teenagers), and a checkbook with an $8.00 balance (because they have teenagers).
